If you’re among the many women who became a second wife and stepmother on her wedding day, you know that your marriage and family life is a little more complicated than the typical couple. However, you entered your marriage full of determination and optimism that things would work out between you and with your spouse’s children. You are as prepared as you could be for what’s ahead.  Plus, you and your husband agree: you will create a new family together, and you will have children of your own with him.    

Fast forward, the baby is born, and suddenly you realize that you don’t remember half of what people told you would happen once you’re home alone with the kid.  Your husband really wants his children to be involved; it’s their new brother or sister, after all. The step-kids are excited but somewhat tentative.  And you hardly want anyone to touch your first and maybe only baby who is too precious to be passed around.   What to do?

• Recognize that you are not alone; you and your husband must commit TOGETHER on how best to handle your adjustment to all the baby’s routines, while being comfortable when his children come to visit with you and the baby.  The two of you should have a family meeting (appropriate to the children’s ages) to answer their questions about the baby.
• Pull out the computer and seek both online and professional resources that seem to match your needs.  There are lots of qualified people and support groups who share the same overall experience and can provide ideas help you remotely or in person.
• At the same time remember that your particular family situation is unique to you, so you and your husband have to figure out how all the personalities can be accommodated.  He should take the lead with his children’s routines. And when they visit with you and the baby, guide the children who are old enough on how to hold, touch and play with the baby.
• Accept that blended is just a phrase somebody made up.  Remarried families develop all kinds of relationship models; mashups based on parent temperaments, ages of the children, lifestyle and custody arrangements.  You and your husband should be of one mind as to what works best for the two of you.  And call it what you want!
• Return to the confidence and optimism you had at the beginning of the marriage.  If you and your spouse can be resilient, unified, fair and loving in your approach to all the children, your family will evolve on very solid ground.

There are a few universal truths about becoming a stepmom, and within each of these main ideas, are very unique and complicated details that will evolve with your new life narrative.

Universal Truth #1:  You marry him and “his-story.”

Every man has a history, but real live children are compelling evidence of a “life before you.”  Add an ex- or two, not to mention your soon-to-be in-laws and possibly the ex-in-laws– all close relatives to the children– and you could be falling into an extravagant collaboration.  Maybe that’s the big signature of Universal Truth #1. There are a lot of hyphens to go with names.  My dad used to call them “in-laws and out-laws, all welcome, except those who aren’t.”

Universal Truth #2:  Your husband MUST stand up for the two of you as united in your life together and in your approach to the children. 

Your husband has chosen to be married to you and to have you be the #1 person in his life.  His positive and visible commitment signals to everyone that both of you will do the work of influencing the extended clan to work together amiably.  That takes you out of the vacuum of uncertainty, giving you clear air to breathe and the respect you deserve.

Universal Truth #3: They did not ask to be here.

You should feel the urge to embrace his children with an open heart.  Suppress the urge to compete with their mother.  Replace judgment with reflection and always act to support a positive outcome.  Make direct requests but don’t bark orders.  Have fun and get engaged in the things they love to do.   That is what you are going to experience with your own children once they arrive.  Mainly, children want to know that you can be in their corner while loving their father; that it’s not either or.  They need to be honestly reassured that they can love their mother and love you too, without feeling disloyal.

Universal Truth #4:  Every family has its own fingerprint.  Your experience starting and living out the role of a stepmom/second mom is going to be exciting and challenging.  No matter what your circumstance there is a friend and probably one book out of many that will help you.  Even a few sessions with a family counselor may be what you need to have honest and unintimidating conversations about how all you would like for the future to flow.

Regardless of your family’s uniqueness, you must be your true self in this new constellation. That’s what counts the most in making the new children in your life, pillars of promise in your marriage.

I might as well tell you up front that there is no single solution, but you can envision relief ahead.  If you provide positive support for using the potty and don’t resort to meanness, screaming in frustration, or pay for poop tactics, most toddlers will shed their pull-ups, put on the underpants, and use the potty like the rest of us by the time they’re 4 years old.  Yes, that seems like a long time to wait, but whether it’s reluctance, stubbornness, or fear, pooping in the potty seems to be a developmental thing.

First, rule out medical issues such as constipation due to insufficient fluids, diet or a possible intestinal disorder.  Aside from problems of a medical origin the specific reasons fall into two groups.  One is about habit and comfort.  It’s very dry, you don’t have to take your clothes off, and most importantly, a grown up will deal quickly with disposal.  Why change the program?

Another related opinion is that it’s a shocker to see what actually comes out of you when you sit on the potty.   That’s why the reluctance to use the potty is called “holding” vs “letting go” of something from inside.  Even if you are aware of making the BM disposing of the pull-up is emotionally different than seeing something that has fallen out of your body now sitting in a receptacle.  It may not intellectually make sense but as an emotional reaction it’s understandable.

Maybe all three reasons ultimately contribute to “holding” the poop.  Techniques to help baby include:

• Cutting a hole in the pull-up for potty time (having it both ways);
• Engaging the baby in helping you with clean up and disposal;
• Reading stories about using the toilet;
• Praising your child for trying and helping with disposal;
• Setting a target such as the 4^th birthday and get the child ready for the BIG DAY;
• Stop talking about it and wait for the child to come around;
• Use underpants at all times except at poop time;
• Use pull-ups at all times and use cool underpants as the goal.

Most important:  don’t bring on a case of constipation because you want to control defecation.  Some kids will “hold in” for several days.  And as I stated right at the top, if you can have the patience to wait it out, something magical will happen the closer they get to their 4^th birthday.  Finally, the infant has transitioned, ready to say goodbye to pull-ups and resolved to pooping in the potty.

Without fail, something new and exciting does happen almost every week when you have an infant. It might be that your baby finally starts sleeping through the night.  Or that your baby really is laughing out loud and enjoying playtime.  Maybe the poop is going from runny and yellow to well-formed and army green.  Whether it’s social, emotional, cognitive or physical, these are moments you might share with friends.  But somehow, these kinds of moments have also become fuel for the bragging wars, well documented on Disney’s Babble and the snarky STFU, Parents.

Why is it that the minute parents get together and discuss their kids, the conversation can strangely shift from sharing to competing?  Recently, Bruce Feiler, who wrote the book, The Secrets of Happy Families called for an end to the bragging wars in the New York Times.  But with social media, in particular, the situation is out of control. Bragging is not only ubiquitous; it’s on continuous auto-play.  Even within your closest circle there may be someone that can deflate the smallest contribution you make to a sharing conversation.  When you can predict what’s coming out of the mouth of a friend, it’s time to take action.   We can all recognize these “bragging types.” A few classics are:

Bragging Betty/Bob:  their competitive and narcissistic tendencies express themselves through the child as in “Look what I got (that you don’t have) today.  Xander’s so good at baby yoga, his teacher recommended this special mat.”

Lying Lisa/Lance:  their reports exaggerate or misrepresent the truth.   And they are silent on anything troubling.  “I just noticed, my baby’s poop doesn’t stink. Can you believe it?”

Stealth Bomber Stephanie/Stephan: feigns concern for you. “Hi, you’ve been on my mind. How are you and Emily doing?”  You report cheerfully and she replies, “Oh Yeah! I know just how you feel! My baby did that two weeks ago.”

What do you do?  Let the comments roll off your back and into the gutter.  Tactfully redirect.  Directly request a change of subject. Reduce the amount of contact with the offender.  Find a new friend–an honest one. And remember this over-riding truth:    Babies are on their own developmental schedule, and no amount of parental narcissism, lying, or putting down others will change that.  In fact, time will always tell.  Check back in on the braggarts in 20 years.  As my mother used to tell me, “When it comes to life with children, the only thing that’s gonna run like clockwork is the clock.”

Here’s how the experiment was constructed.  There were 128 babies with 64 each in a 9 month or 14 month old group.  They were asked to pick which one of two foods they liked.  The choices were crackers and green beans, and if you think the carbs won, take heart; 42% picked green beans.  Next they watched two rabbit characters with different colored shirts come into view and the rabbit picked one of the foods.   Here’s a Video showing the puppet character’s food preference.

Next, the babies were shown one of the rabbits in a scene with two dogs.  The rabbit has a ball, but when it is dropped, one of the dogs intervenes.  The other dog remains neutral.  The harmer dog  is mean, picks up the dropped ball and leaves the scene.  Here’s the Video showing the new character being mean).

Predictably, when one of the dogs behaved as a helper and the food preference was the same as baby’s, 82% liked the helper.  But surprisingly, if the behavior of the mean dog was toward the rabbit with a food preference different than the baby, 88% liked the mean dog best!

Jeez, it’s just green beans or crackers, you say; nothing as earthshaking as social prejudice and aggression. But, as an article in the Smithsonian pointed out, there is an inborn reflex to place punishment toward differences just above neutrality and even above the preference to support someone similar.

As parents, what can we do?  Eating their vegetables didn’t make these babies any nicer.  How do our children learn to minimize support for meanness and maximize support for THINKING ABOUT OUR CHOICES.  We know that our parenting, teaching and guidance can channel our inborn temperament toward higher levels of productive behavior. I suggest the following equation:  

Temperament + Teaching = Thoughtfulness of Response 

As we integrate childrens’ inborn assets with practice to develop language, knowledge, talents and self-discipline, we can influence social perception and judgment.  In fact, the longest tail of learning is around judgment and decision-making, determining right and wrong.  It takes us until approximately age 25 to finalize our moral compass.  How lucky we are that we have every day of every year of childhood to stay on the mission of channeling temperament through our teaching to yield thoughtful responses to differences at home and in the world.

Hopefully, you will advise your children that there is such a thing as a parent’s time out.  But in the meantime, travelling with little ones in tow can be a huge challenge.  Not just for you, but for perfect strangers who sit next to you in airplanes, stand behind you in concession lines, and observe in amazement as your child goes completely ballistic because the unfamiliar surroundings, noises, people, and schedule have pushed your little one into overdrive.

How can you get the stress out of travel and “fun” into vacation?  Since I have personally taken refuge with the locals at a bus stop with packets of food wrapped in foil and my breast in hand to comfort a hungry hot baby, I know your pain.  With the input of others I offer the following suggestions:

1.  Plan your travel time during a time of day when your baby is likely to sleep.  Airplanes are close quarters and there is really no place for your little one to stretch out, crawl, or have tummy time.

2.  Babies love being held, but even the most dedicated parent will find their arms need a break at some point. A baby carrier offers an easy way to keep your child close and comforted while freeing your hands to do other things.

3.  Pack a separate small carry-on with a few of baby’s favorite things.  Baby Einstein takes pride in its “on the go” products including the Discovery Kits, Books, and Toys that will entertain baby while travelling.

4.  No matter where you are in the world, there is no better stress reducer for the family than making sure baby has the right amount of sleep EVERY DAY you travel, balanced against the right amount of food.  Babies tend to be fussy and inconsolable when their sleep patterns are off, so adhere to a sleep regimen as much as possible.

5.  There is just one travel problem that may be unavoidable.  Resolving the ear pain as the plane descends can be unbearable and all you can do is encourage baby to suck for the 15-20 minutes of crying that is likely to ensue.  Just make sure you’ve got that one last packet of milk ready.

6.  Last, but not least, BE RELAXED yourself.  I once saw a mother sit on the floor between the rows of seats and begin to go into dramatic play before the seat belt sign was turned off.  I’m sure her baby was mortified; she actually turned away and pretended to be traveling alone as an unaccompanied minor.  You don’t want to be that mom, EVER.